I’ve stayed away from this topic on the blog completely – Not out of avoidance – I just haven’t had much to say about it. But lately, I’ve been reading and hearing a lot of opinions on this subject and thought “hey, I guess I do have some things to say about it.”
Today, let’s talk about being married without children.
When I was a senior in high school, the most frequently asked question to me was “Where are you going to college?” When I was a senior in college, the most frequently asked question to me was “What are you doing after graduation?” And since my first or second wedding anniversary, the most frequently asked question to me is, “When are you having kids?”
It’s in our nature to ask questions. And we have societal norms, so we ask questions that are appropriate based on our perception of normal. The traditional middle class American life order goes: college –> marriage –> kids… and so on.
I broke the order by getting married while in college, which was taboo enough, and I’ve been married 9.5 years and still don’t have children, so I’m just blowing stereotypes and norms all over the place. I think my husband and I are bit of a mystery to some – and that’s ok. After this many years, I’m used to getting asked rather personal questions like, “Can you not get pregnant?” or “How’s your marriage? Are you struggling? Is that the delay in having children?”
Honestly, I don’t get mad about those questions, I know that the motivation behind the asking is making sure that I’m ok and that we’re ok. I appreciate that people love me and love my husband and want us to be healthy and happy. For the record, our marriage remains a beautiful partnership, and thanks for asking. Also on the record, I feel so deeply sad for my friends who want to have children and cannot. I can’t imagine being questioned when waiting, longing, and sadness are present – you are brave.
The reason that we don’t have children is that we simply haven’t felt called to have children. It’s as simple as that. My husband and I believe that parenting is an extremely high calling. We celebrate and affirm that calling in our friends and family. At this time, we feel confident that parenting is not our calling. We believe that some callings are for a lifetime and others for seasons. We have yet to determine whether this lack of calling is for our lifetime or for this season, but we will be faithful to our calling.
We don’t want to have children because it’s normal or expected, or to fit in with our other married friends, or to give our parents grandkids (sorry guys), or so we have someone to take care of us when we’re old. We believe children are a gift not an expectation. We believe that parenting is a calling, not an obligation.
We don’t not have children because we’re being selfish, as many seem to surmise. We don’t have children because we haven’t felt called to raise them. There have been a number of articles posted lately from couples who have chosen to not have children, and to be honest, some of the reasons for not having children sound rather selfish. I would argue, though, that some reasons for having children are rather selfish, too. We are humans and we are selfish. Parental status doesn’t inherently negate or encourage selfishness. Please don’t assume that all DINKS (Double Income No Kids) are inherently selfish. Please don’t assume that all parents are inherently unselfish.
I have a lot of parent friends who assume my kid-free life is sort of easy and breezy. I know they imagine me sleeping in wildly late on weekends, going to grown up concerts and movies at my leisure, eating gourmet candlelit dinners, going on extravagant international vacations, and getting to drink an entire cup of coffee while it’s still piping hot without interruption.
I giggle as I type this.
This doesn’t describe my life at all.
I have a lot of friends who assume that I don’t like children because I don’t have children and that I don’t respect the hardness of the job of parenting because I haven’t applied for that job. They imagine that I don’t want to hang out with them + kids, or that I don’t want to hold their child, don’t know how to change a diaper correctly, or don’t want to hear about their battles over veggies.
I’m raising my eyebrows at this.
This doesn’t describe my life at all.
I have a lot of parent friends who assume that I am missing out on the deepest joy or that my life is sort of empty. They imagine that I don’t know about selflessness, sacrifice, and mothering. They can’t fathom me understanding the depths of the Father’s Love sans children.
I shake my head as I type this.
This doesn’t describe my life at all.
My life is rooted in contentment in this season. I know what I am called to, and I find deep joy in living out my calling. My life is brimming with relationships. I am mentored and I mentor others. I have sweet friendships. My home is full more than it is empty and often the decibel level is over the top with laughter. I know well how to cook for masses, sweep crumb-filled floors without complaining, soothe a crying soul, and give when I’m on empty. I view this season of life without children as an opportunity that I am choosing to seize with intention.
I love this season of my life because I am living out my calling. I celebrate with my friends who are in similar seasons and different seasons who are living out their callings with joy. Together, let’s celebrate that we all have gifts and callings that we are sharing with others. And let’s stop the assuming. Let’s stop the fantasizing about the life we don’t have. Let’s stop imagining our season to be the hardest or most noble or most fulfilling. Let’s stop projecting our desires and dreams onto others. Let’s instead celebrate our friends who are living out their callings in seasons.